In truth, some of what came out first wasn’t that comfortable to feel! There were all manner of things that I thought I had 'dealt' with through the various modalities, healers and counsellors over the years. But the fact was I had not dealt with them at this deeper level but, with the support of some amazing Esoteric Practitioners, I began to feel that I was heading in the right direction! In fact I gained so much from these modalities that I began to train as a practitioner myself. In process, I learned that we are all practitioner of life to some degree, each with our own responsibility for the energy we let run our life.

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The main thing is that it was working. We are not talking overnight miracles, we are talking about doing the hard yards and taking responsibility for the one aspect of life I had been avoiding – energetic responsibility. While I had always been open to conversations about energy, it was not until I attended a Universal Medicine workshop, that I heard that there is more than one energy we can draw on … Love as one option and all that isn’t that as the other.

This made lots of sense to me; after all, how can anger and love have the same source of fuel? But I had never been shown HOW to change what I was connecting to. On one level, anger and love are the easy ones to tell apart but what about the more subtle responses and emotions? Could energy be behind different food cravings and even different thoughts?

The more I explored, the more subtleties I found in how the energy I connect to shapes everything and in the words of Serge Benhayon, 'If everything is everything, nothing is nothing'. The difficulty is that this difference is easier to conceptualise than it is to live and feel. Not because connecting more deeply to myself was hard, but because of everything I had put in the way of that connection.

So I did the work. I put my body and ideals about life on the line and set about learning another way of perceiving life, to me it felt new, but in reality it was actually ancient. I needed to retrain myself to no longer be tantalised by words, sounds, smells and taste but to first and foremost discern and feel. It is still a work in progress but over time, what I started to connect to within was no longer discomfort and was nothing short of spectacular. 

I began developing an understanding of myself and experiencing an ease that I had not lived before, while it was new and it was also somehow deeply familiar. I began to live with a vitality and productivity that were not sustained by any kind of simulating food, drink, substance or activity. I was able to be productive without the usual drain, drive or angst. 
 
In fact, my new problem was allowing myself to feel this good every day (well, most days!!). Turns out that it can be just as scary to feel vitality and joy than it does to struggle.