I wanted to belong to life so I looked around at what was on offer.
“Join me” . . . said the sporting club, we will cheer for you and you for us, we will leave it all on the field and you will learn to be your best. So I joined and belonged to everyone – but not to me.
“Join me” . . . said the religion of my parents, we will eat, drink, pray together; you will be part of a community that has thousands of years of history to belong to. So I joined and belonged to the community – but did not belong to me.
“Join me” . . . said the fiction writer, you will be swept away by my stories and have things to discuss with those around you, so I joined and had stories to tell – but none my own.
“Join me” . . . said my friends, we will drink together, party together, have meals at fancy restaurants and get up to mischief in the small hours of the morning, so I joined and belonged with my friends – but not with me.
“Join me” . . . said my partner, we will start a family, you will be Dad, I will be Mum and we will be parents, partners and lovers together, so I joined and belonged to the relationship – but not to me.
I wanted to belong to life but got stuck along the way. I felt frustrated and tired – very tired; I was tired to my bones, tired to a place that all of my efforts amounted to naught and all I was left with were the things that “took the edge off.”
They presented that it was important to care about me, it said to consider belonging to me before I could really feel belonging with others. It presented the power is in you but that tiredness you feel is the result of avoiding that power . . .
BUT . . . I wanted to belong to life so I tried what was presented.I wanted to belong to life but when you are tired, when you are sceptical, this is not what you want to hear.
It has been challenging at times, it has taken commitment, my life is not and will never be perfect, but I can meet with family and friends and that meeting is what I appreciate more than any food we eat. I can work with clients and the quality of the work can mean more than any pay cheque.
I have a religious way of life that places God and me on equal footing in terms of light and responsibility for the wellbeing of myself and the world.
I have found a place within where I belong that no one else can touch or call into question. A place of humility, a place of sacredness and a place from which I no longer NEED to belong because I am with me always.
I wanted to belong to life but really, really, really wanted, and now belong, to me.